I watched a movie today that made me cry. Not difficult considering I am a total sap. I cried at The Lion King. All I really have to do is imagine the pain the other person is feeling and poof! I am crying. Pain has it's value, but I am no masochist. Generally pain triggers intense growth. I used to foolishly worry that I had not experienced enough tragedy in my life to be a good actor. God was up there laughing, and said 'ok, really? I can arrange for that.' After one of the most painful years of my life I am reflecting on how this pain has changed me. I have undeniably grown, shifted, transformed. Life has a way of taking the malleable material of us and subjecting it to all different weathers, circumstances.....it effects us and we are left scraped, weathered, dented. But we still have a hand in our own creation. We can take the scratched metal and make modern art, the weathered sea glass and make jewelry. Everything is perception.
I looked at a picture of myself at 25 when I was in my last relationship. All I could think was how incredibly young I looked. It seems like another lifetime. I felt like I was looking at a girl, and undeniably at some point last year I became a woman. I can't even tell you exactly what is was that changed but I had that realization driving home in my car. People talk casually about a 'loss of innocence' and create 'rites of passage' to try and define the transition from child to adult. Ultimately that indefinable moment belongs only to the individual. Maybe this shift happens when something is so broken you have no choice but to rebuild it, to make your art, recreate yourself. There are a few moments in my life when I have felt completely broken. The first time my heart was broken by a friend, the first time my heart was broken by a lover, and the first time my heart was broken by death. Kahlil Gibran says "How can my heart truly be open when it has never been broken?" It is easy to love when you have no idea of the consequences and have never experienced pain. To love after being broken requires bravery and wisdom. To laugh again, to play again, after so much sadness, that is real growth.
I am still trying to find that wisdom. I realized about a month ago it has been awhile since I have laughed, really laughed. After last year all I want to do is laugh and play. It still seems easier to cry, like my body is now more conditioned to a teary response. I am not naive enough to think that life won't deal me more blows... but if I can make the laughter come easy now, I will understand I am capable of it. Pain may bring growth but real wisdom comes with learning to laugh after the pain and perhaps eventually even in the pain.
Laughter; you have to just experience it. I think it is something rather silly to talk about.....there is a line in a movie "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture. You just can't do it." I think the same could be said of this blog and me attempting to talk about laughter or the transition of child to woman. But here I am doing just that because it is within our nature to communicate. So I am going to end it with some wise words from a conversation with a very dear friend of mine who healed me in ways I will endlessly appreciate.
"It is why our mouths are shaped the way they are, because we want to communicate. If you are born in a country with a language you will learn to speak it. We want to communicate our hopes and fears to each other. It used to be you could go to a neighbor or anyone in a community and they would do their best to help you out because it is in the best interest of the community. Now we are starved for community so we find our therapists in bartenders, and cab drivers, we pay them to listen."
Or we just post a blog.
I looked at a picture of myself at 25 when I was in my last relationship. All I could think was how incredibly young I looked. It seems like another lifetime. I felt like I was looking at a girl, and undeniably at some point last year I became a woman. I can't even tell you exactly what is was that changed but I had that realization driving home in my car. People talk casually about a 'loss of innocence' and create 'rites of passage' to try and define the transition from child to adult. Ultimately that indefinable moment belongs only to the individual. Maybe this shift happens when something is so broken you have no choice but to rebuild it, to make your art, recreate yourself. There are a few moments in my life when I have felt completely broken. The first time my heart was broken by a friend, the first time my heart was broken by a lover, and the first time my heart was broken by death. Kahlil Gibran says "How can my heart truly be open when it has never been broken?" It is easy to love when you have no idea of the consequences and have never experienced pain. To love after being broken requires bravery and wisdom. To laugh again, to play again, after so much sadness, that is real growth.
I am still trying to find that wisdom. I realized about a month ago it has been awhile since I have laughed, really laughed. After last year all I want to do is laugh and play. It still seems easier to cry, like my body is now more conditioned to a teary response. I am not naive enough to think that life won't deal me more blows... but if I can make the laughter come easy now, I will understand I am capable of it. Pain may bring growth but real wisdom comes with learning to laugh after the pain and perhaps eventually even in the pain.
Laughter; you have to just experience it. I think it is something rather silly to talk about.....there is a line in a movie "Talking about love is like dancing about architecture. You just can't do it." I think the same could be said of this blog and me attempting to talk about laughter or the transition of child to woman. But here I am doing just that because it is within our nature to communicate. So I am going to end it with some wise words from a conversation with a very dear friend of mine who healed me in ways I will endlessly appreciate.
"It is why our mouths are shaped the way they are, because we want to communicate. If you are born in a country with a language you will learn to speak it. We want to communicate our hopes and fears to each other. It used to be you could go to a neighbor or anyone in a community and they would do their best to help you out because it is in the best interest of the community. Now we are starved for community so we find our therapists in bartenders, and cab drivers, we pay them to listen."
Or we just post a blog.
As always, your words are beautiful, on point and inspirational. They always evoke a great deal of emotion in me. That is a good thing. You have a way with words. Thank you for sharing with all of us!
ReplyDeleteThis post resonates so strongly with me. I had a year like that. Well, it was more like two years. Maybe three. From 23-26 was the hardest years of my life. I experienced sickness of one parent and the loss/death of another -- the person I had felt closest with in the world. And it challenged everything I'd ever held true about reality...It's actually the theme of the novel I've been working on. It's heartening to know that others will be able to relate with my journey the way I relate with this post. I too used to wished when I was younger that I'd suffered more hardship in order to gain more "character." Then I got that whopping dose of : "Okay!!! Here ya go!!" And realized...it breaks you. It takes something away. On its own. But then, like you said, its up to us to guide that break into a breakthrough...to use that opened heart to let in more compassion. I love your description of the dented scraps of metal being transformed into modern art. I always thought of it like alchemy and the trial by fire: the metal must be forged in intense heat in order to transmute from base metal to gold. Either way, it's about taking what we've been dealt and finding the redemption, the lesson, the the art in it. Thanks for sharing, Nitai. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny, how we differ. I guess I have felt I have had enough suffering in my life from a young age, so I always prayed to be able to learn vicariously so that I would not have to experience the thing, event, suffering in order to learn the lesson. Yet, I still do often have to experience the suffering, because I suppose I am not adept enough to always learn vicariously, so I have to learn the harder way. Thanks, for sharing your wisdom, my sweet daughter.
ReplyDeletethank u 4 sharing
ReplyDeletewow you guys. I am so humbled by your beautiful comments. Thank you for taking the time to read my bloggerings ;)
ReplyDelete