Avoiding the Avalanche: Non-reaction and sitting with Vulnerability

Avoiding Avalanche - Non-Reaction and Sitting with Masculine Vulnerability 

How do you hold space for your partner when what they are experiencing- regardless of whether or not it has anything to do with you- is triggering all your shit?

You are standing on the top of a snowy mountain. All you want to do is primally scream and you know in your gut a yell could trigger an avalanche. The ice is staying in place only by virtue of precarious calm. Releasing your frustrations could be the catalyst that 'snowballs' out of control and escalates into chaos.

Analogies aside, let me translate. In relationship conflicts often arise in the communication dance of action and reaction when an individual's fears are triggered. How you choose to navigate what comes up, articulates the future. Yesterday after a period of experiencing disconnection from my partner and  requesting he be honest with me, he was candid about his fears regarding the future of our relationship. I want to howl in terrified desperation at the sky while my wiser self is urging me to feel the snow beneath me, appreciate the beauty of where I am at, and realize that my 'stuff' does not always need to take precedence in conversation with my partner.

Let me be clear, I am not encouraging withholding, or bottling emotions. I am speaking of timing. Relationships are a complex and delicate interplay of energy. They flow with the dynamics of a tango, and we thrive on that changeability. In perpetual stasis we would be bored. Yet we generally are daunted when conflict arises, and many of us have never seen or learned healthy conflict resolution.

When I am in a conflict with my partner, choosing the moments to table my own reactivity and create space in the form of silent pauses so he can express his doubts and vulnerability, is challenging. Sometimes I mistake pauses in conversation as an apathetic vacuum and rush to fill the perceived emptiness by sharing all my thoughts and reactions. If I name it first it won't hurt as much, right?! 

When I am keeping the conversation space full of my fears, I create imbalance in the relationship. I am dominating with my baggage.

This is partially my personality and partially a cultural inclination for women to feel more comfortable expressing emotional vulnerability than their male counterparts. Let's be real, men are taught never to share vulnerability because it denotes 'weakness,' a loss of 'status,' and they are told this makes them less desirable. 

I believe this cultural belief is shifting, and as a male friend of mine wryly stated, 'Vulnerability is the new sexy.'

However, there is a transition period necessary for any major change, it takes time to release old habits and act in alignment with new belief systems. For many men, it is difficult to share doubts and insecurities. This is not merely due to ingrained 'masculine' survival tactics, but because we as women, with our own cultural conditioning, have no idea how to hold space for our men doing something so 'out of character.' 

As I am confronted with my own inability to hold space with the grace I intellectually assumed I was capable of,  I have to take responsibility for how I am showing up in the dance. My partner relayed to me realistic and fair doubts about our future. Ninety-five percent of these fears were circumstantial and had nothing to do with me, yet I reacted as if the sky was falling. Why? My best girlfriend said candidly 'Our men listen to our insecurities regularly, staying solid for us, but when they have a moment of similar doubt, we act as though the relationship is over.' We as women claim we want sensitive, emotionally mature men, and when confronted with one we have absolutely no idea how to support the bravery they are exhibiting.

If we want our men to change, as women we must take full responsibility for our reactivity and create a safe space for them to do so. I realized today how difficult that can be.  I have no idea how to be what my partner needs right now. I do know it is going to require work on my end.

Brene Brown says in one of her TED talks, 'Show me a woman who can sit with a man in vulnerability and I will show you a woman who has done work on herself. Show me a man who can sit with a woman in vulnerability and I will show you a man who has done work on himself.'  I thought I had done the work because I cultivate ideas of radical responsibility for my life which begins with self-awareness. Awareness is the first step but it is by no means the work. What the hell is the work?

After some serious thought this is what I feel 'The Work' is.

1.  Allow feelings to arise without reacting.

This is perhaps the trickiest yet most important. I am an extrovert and I want to tell the world about all my transient feelings.  Yet talking about those feelings gives something fluid a more solid form. Words are powerful as we pass an idea tangibly into someone else's mind. They then hold this truth in their mind and it becomes something else. To discuss all your reactive feelings with multiple people is a choice to turn unwanted liquid into a solid rather then letting it evaporate on its own. It is of course a known component of zen buddhism to be able to watch your thoughts without reacting. How do we do this?

2. Take care of yourself 

I know certain things about myself. I need to eat regularly. I am more emotional when I lack sleep. I need to do yoga regularly. I benefit exponentially from daily meditation. I gravitate toward worry because that is what is familiar to me. With a hangover comes depressive thoughts. Knowing this, part of the work is creating healthy habits. If I am not taking care of myself, how can I show up and be supportive of my partner? It's obvious, and easier said then done. 

3. Have patience in holding space.

Taking into account the generalization of cultural conditioning in expressing vulnerability; many men need time and space to release their feelings. I have to be willing to sit in the vacuum patiently without filling it with all my own insecurities. We are not 'connecting' when I am vomiting my feelings into the emptiness so I am more comfortable. The action is non-reaction, allowing a silent pause, and creating intention around Listening. 

I understand these steps intellectually, now I must put them into practice. The next time I sense my partner has concerns weighing on his mind, I want to breathe into the moment with him, and not rush to fill it with my anxious perception about what I think he might be thinking. I want to cherish his company within challenging circumstances and wordlessly tell him to take the time and space he needs. I can hold a secure space when he needs me to in the form of receptive silence. 

For the first time in my life, I have two people I want to to do the work for. Myself, and my courageous partner.

Toss out that Laundry List. You know the one.

    I promise you I have chased every unavailable man in Los Angeles; musicians, bartenders, vagabonds, actors, weekend warriors, and most famously 'men right out of relationships.' Through trials and stumbling heartstubs (like stubbing your toe but with your heart), I learned:

You attract either WHAT you are yourself (ie. emotionally unavailable), or WHO you need to work through your issues. 

     This is a 'Duh' kind of comment, especially if you read self-help books and fancy yourself a bit of a spiritual aware-ist. The truth is, breaking ingrained habits and belief systems require more than reading Brene Brown books or watching TED talks. Letting go of your idea that you have it all figured out and applying daily discipline to evolve your inner conversation is necessary to break unhealthy patterns.

     I didn't do this in my twenties. I look back on the domino line of men I dated that were simply not right for me. Yet when every one of those relationships ended I took it as evidence of the story I was telling myself; I am not good enough. It is ironic how we set up proof for a 'given' we have defined. Geometry hypothesis aside, once we decide on a narrative we embark on a zealous quest to provide countless experiences that will back up this story and define our playbook.
   
      So what is your story? Is it 'I am not good enough?' Mine is a variation of this 'All the men I am really interested in aren't interested in me.' Naturally, I went out and dated every unavailable man I encountered attempting to morph myself into what I believed they wanted me to be. Talk about an Escher painting, jumbled stairs leading nowhere. It is exhausting. After a series of profoundly hurtful 'non-relationship' relationships, I stopped dating. I told myself I was too screwed up to attract the man I really wanted, and I needed to be alone to learn how to love myself.

      Underneath I yearned for a partner that understood me, that could love me for all of the messy intense edges that collide to create Me. I surrendered to the idea that perhaps some higher power knew what was right for me better than I did.

     I threw out my laundry list. You know the one. It details everything from personality traits and income, to dick size.  I crumpled it up and replaced it with one prayer. 'Universe please send me the man that is best for me right now.' I left it at that. Well almost. I added quickly, 'Someone I can laugh with. I want to laugh all the time with my partner.' Each time I felt yearning I would repeat those two sentences and leave it at that. The simplicity somehow soothed the feeling of being broken, of loneliness, of trying to have it all figured out at a time when I didn't have any of the social norms of success 'figured out.'

       Then it happened. The night I was confronting yet another 'Sorry, the Universe is not going to let you stay in situations not compatible with who you are' ending (this one job-related), I met the guy just right for me, right now. It is new, it is terrifying, and it is still tempting to want to pull out that laundry list. But then I take a deep breath and realize I feel safer, healthier, and more seen than I ever have before.

       What I thought I wanted wasn't what I needed. The Universe always gives you what you want, so be careful what you ask for. It is a hell of thing to look at that list and realize that you forgot the one characteristic that is now sending your 'perfect' laundry list partner on a fast track out the door. We don't know everything and that is ok. To trust in a higher power, or if that is not your cup of cold-pressed organic juice, to relax and be open to someone blowing your mind without seeing if they have listed qualities 1-32., is freedom.

     I don't have answers. I am scared shitless (trust me, I am). And for the first time I am not stressing to control/manifest/'figure out' what I think I need.
As a result I am discovering.......

       I am laughing more then I have in a long time.
       The drama is pretty much non-existent.
       I talk about all my fears right away.
       I feel imperfect almost all the time and it isn't freaking me out.
       I am happy. So very, very, happy.

  You can take this advice or you can create another vision board/list with every nuance of your perfect man....either way there is no right or wrong answer. My laundry list is now crumpled up, tossed out, and in its place is a present so fantastically stress-free I don't know what to do with myself. Next to me is a man who I like more and more as I uncover the layers of him. Universe I am sending you a giant wet kiss, and a fist bump. You did good. You did real good.