I promise you I have chased every unavailable man in Los Angeles; musicians, bartenders, vagabonds, actors, weekend warriors, and most famously 'men right out of relationships.' Through trials and stumbling heartstubs (like stubbing your toe but with your heart), I learned:
This is a 'Duh' kind of comment, especially if you read self-help books and fancy yourself a bit of a spiritual aware-ist. The truth is, breaking ingrained habits and belief systems require more than reading Brene Brown books or watching TED talks. Letting go of your idea that you have it all figured out and applying daily discipline to evolve your inner conversation is necessary to break unhealthy patterns.
I didn't do this in my twenties. I look back on the domino line of men I dated that were simply not right for me. Yet when every one of those relationships ended I took it as evidence of the story I was telling myself; I am not good enough. It is ironic how we set up proof for a 'given' we have defined. Geometry hypothesis aside, once we decide on a narrative we embark on a zealous quest to provide countless experiences that will back up this story and define our playbook.
So what is your story? Is it 'I am not good enough?' Mine is a variation of this 'All the men I am really interested in aren't interested in me.' Naturally, I went out and dated every unavailable man I encountered attempting to morph myself into what I believed they wanted me to be. Talk about an Escher painting, jumbled stairs leading nowhere. It is exhausting. After a series of profoundly hurtful 'non-relationship' relationships, I stopped dating. I told myself I was too screwed up to attract the man I really wanted, and I needed to be alone to learn how to love myself.
Underneath I yearned for a partner that understood me, that could love me for all of the messy intense edges that collide to create Me. I surrendered to the idea that perhaps some higher power knew what was right for me better than I did.
I threw out my laundry list. You know the one. It details everything from personality traits and income, to dick size. I crumpled it up and replaced it with one prayer. 'Universe please send me the man that is best for me right now.' I left it at that. Well almost. I added quickly, 'Someone I can laugh with. I want to laugh all the time with my partner.' Each time I felt yearning I would repeat those two sentences and leave it at that. The simplicity somehow soothed the feeling of being broken, of loneliness, of trying to have it all figured out at a time when I didn't have any of the social norms of success 'figured out.'
Then it happened. The night I was confronting yet another 'Sorry, the Universe is not going to let you stay in situations not compatible with who you are' ending (this one job-related), I met the guy just right for me, right now. It is new, it is terrifying, and it is still tempting to want to pull out that laundry list. But then I take a deep breath and realize I feel safer, healthier, and more seen than I ever have before.
What I thought I wanted wasn't what I needed. The Universe always gives you what you want, so be careful what you ask for. It is a hell of thing to look at that list and realize that you forgot the one characteristic that is now sending your 'perfect' laundry list partner on a fast track out the door. We don't know everything and that is ok. To trust in a higher power, or if that is not your cup of cold-pressed organic juice, to relax and be open to someone blowing your mind without seeing if they have listed qualities 1-32., is freedom.
I don't have answers. I am scared shitless (trust me, I am). And for the first time I am not stressing to control/manifest/'figure out' what I think I need.
As a result I am discovering.......
I am laughing more then I have in a long time.
The drama is pretty much non-existent.
I talk about all my fears right away.
I feel imperfect almost all the time and it isn't freaking me out.
I am happy. So very, very, happy.
You can take this advice or you can create another vision board/list with every nuance of your perfect man....either way there is no right or wrong answer. My laundry list is now crumpled up, tossed out, and in its place is a present so fantastically stress-free I don't know what to do with myself. Next to me is a man who I like more and more as I uncover the layers of him. Universe I am sending you a giant wet kiss, and a fist bump. You did good. You did real good.
You attract either WHAT you are yourself (ie. emotionally unavailable), or WHO you need to work through your issues.
This is a 'Duh' kind of comment, especially if you read self-help books and fancy yourself a bit of a spiritual aware-ist. The truth is, breaking ingrained habits and belief systems require more than reading Brene Brown books or watching TED talks. Letting go of your idea that you have it all figured out and applying daily discipline to evolve your inner conversation is necessary to break unhealthy patterns.
I didn't do this in my twenties. I look back on the domino line of men I dated that were simply not right for me. Yet when every one of those relationships ended I took it as evidence of the story I was telling myself; I am not good enough. It is ironic how we set up proof for a 'given' we have defined. Geometry hypothesis aside, once we decide on a narrative we embark on a zealous quest to provide countless experiences that will back up this story and define our playbook.
So what is your story? Is it 'I am not good enough?' Mine is a variation of this 'All the men I am really interested in aren't interested in me.' Naturally, I went out and dated every unavailable man I encountered attempting to morph myself into what I believed they wanted me to be. Talk about an Escher painting, jumbled stairs leading nowhere. It is exhausting. After a series of profoundly hurtful 'non-relationship' relationships, I stopped dating. I told myself I was too screwed up to attract the man I really wanted, and I needed to be alone to learn how to love myself.
Underneath I yearned for a partner that understood me, that could love me for all of the messy intense edges that collide to create Me. I surrendered to the idea that perhaps some higher power knew what was right for me better than I did.
I threw out my laundry list. You know the one. It details everything from personality traits and income, to dick size. I crumpled it up and replaced it with one prayer. 'Universe please send me the man that is best for me right now.' I left it at that. Well almost. I added quickly, 'Someone I can laugh with. I want to laugh all the time with my partner.' Each time I felt yearning I would repeat those two sentences and leave it at that. The simplicity somehow soothed the feeling of being broken, of loneliness, of trying to have it all figured out at a time when I didn't have any of the social norms of success 'figured out.'
Then it happened. The night I was confronting yet another 'Sorry, the Universe is not going to let you stay in situations not compatible with who you are' ending (this one job-related), I met the guy just right for me, right now. It is new, it is terrifying, and it is still tempting to want to pull out that laundry list. But then I take a deep breath and realize I feel safer, healthier, and more seen than I ever have before.
What I thought I wanted wasn't what I needed. The Universe always gives you what you want, so be careful what you ask for. It is a hell of thing to look at that list and realize that you forgot the one characteristic that is now sending your 'perfect' laundry list partner on a fast track out the door. We don't know everything and that is ok. To trust in a higher power, or if that is not your cup of cold-pressed organic juice, to relax and be open to someone blowing your mind without seeing if they have listed qualities 1-32., is freedom.
I don't have answers. I am scared shitless (trust me, I am). And for the first time I am not stressing to control/manifest/'figure out' what I think I need.
As a result I am discovering.......
I am laughing more then I have in a long time.
The drama is pretty much non-existent.
I talk about all my fears right away.
I feel imperfect almost all the time and it isn't freaking me out.
I am happy. So very, very, happy.
You can take this advice or you can create another vision board/list with every nuance of your perfect man....either way there is no right or wrong answer. My laundry list is now crumpled up, tossed out, and in its place is a present so fantastically stress-free I don't know what to do with myself. Next to me is a man who I like more and more as I uncover the layers of him. Universe I am sending you a giant wet kiss, and a fist bump. You did good. You did real good.
