Avoiding Avalanche - Non-Reaction and Sitting with Masculine Vulnerability
How do you hold space for your partner when what they are experiencing- regardless of whether or not it has anything to do with you- is triggering all your shit?
You are standing on the top of a snowy mountain. All you want to do is primally scream and you know in your gut a yell could trigger an avalanche. The ice is staying in place only by virtue of precarious calm. Releasing your frustrations could be the catalyst that 'snowballs' out of control and escalates into chaos.
Analogies aside, let me translate. In relationship conflicts often arise in the communication dance of action and reaction when an individual's fears are triggered. How you choose to navigate what comes up, articulates the future. Yesterday after a period of experiencing disconnection from my partner and requesting he be honest with me, he was candid about his fears regarding the future of our relationship. I want to howl in terrified desperation at the sky while my wiser self is urging me to feel the snow beneath me, appreciate the beauty of where I am at, and realize that my 'stuff' does not always need to take precedence in conversation with my partner.
Let me be clear, I am not encouraging withholding, or bottling emotions. I am speaking of timing. Relationships are a complex and delicate interplay of energy. They flow with the dynamics of a tango, and we thrive on that changeability. In perpetual stasis we would be bored. Yet we generally are daunted when conflict arises, and many of us have never seen or learned healthy conflict resolution.
When I am in a conflict with my partner, choosing the moments to table my own reactivity and create space in the form of silent pauses so he can express his doubts and vulnerability, is challenging. Sometimes I mistake pauses in conversation as an apathetic vacuum and rush to fill the perceived emptiness by sharing all my thoughts and reactions. If I name it first it won't hurt as much, right?!
When I am keeping the conversation space full of my fears, I create imbalance in the relationship. I am dominating with my baggage.
This is partially my personality and partially a cultural inclination for women to feel more comfortable expressing emotional vulnerability than their male counterparts. Let's be real, men are taught never to share vulnerability because it denotes 'weakness,' a loss of 'status,' and they are told this makes them less desirable.
I believe this cultural belief is shifting, and as a male friend of mine wryly stated, 'Vulnerability is the new sexy.'
However, there is a transition period necessary for any major change, it takes time to release old habits and act in alignment with new belief systems. For many men, it is difficult to share doubts and insecurities. This is not merely due to ingrained 'masculine' survival tactics, but because we as women, with our own cultural conditioning, have no idea how to hold space for our men doing something so 'out of character.'
As I am confronted with my own inability to hold space with the grace I intellectually assumed I was capable of, I have to take responsibility for how I am showing up in the dance. My partner relayed to me realistic and fair doubts about our future. Ninety-five percent of these fears were circumstantial and had nothing to do with me, yet I reacted as if the sky was falling. Why? My best girlfriend said candidly 'Our men listen to our insecurities regularly, staying solid for us, but when they have a moment of similar doubt, we act as though the relationship is over.' We as women claim we want sensitive, emotionally mature men, and when confronted with one we have absolutely no idea how to support the bravery they are exhibiting.
If we want our men to change, as women we must take full responsibility for our reactivity and create a safe space for them to do so. I realized today how difficult that can be. I have no idea how to be what my partner needs right now. I do know it is going to require work on my end.
Brene Brown says in one of her TED talks, 'Show me a woman who can sit with a man in vulnerability and I will show you a woman who has done work on herself. Show me a man who can sit with a woman in vulnerability and I will show you a man who has done work on himself.' I thought I had done the work because I cultivate ideas of radical responsibility for my life which begins with self-awareness. Awareness is the first step but it is by no means the work. What the hell is the work?
After some serious thought this is what I feel 'The Work' is.
1. Allow feelings to arise without reacting.
This is perhaps the trickiest yet most important. I am an extrovert and I want to tell the world about all my transient feelings. Yet talking about those feelings gives something fluid a more solid form. Words are powerful as we pass an idea tangibly into someone else's mind. They then hold this truth in their mind and it becomes something else. To discuss all your reactive feelings with multiple people is a choice to turn unwanted liquid into a solid rather then letting it evaporate on its own. It is of course a known component of zen buddhism to be able to watch your thoughts without reacting. How do we do this?
2. Take care of yourself
I know certain things about myself. I need to eat regularly. I am more emotional when I lack sleep. I need to do yoga regularly. I benefit exponentially from daily meditation. I gravitate toward worry because that is what is familiar to me. With a hangover comes depressive thoughts. Knowing this, part of the work is creating healthy habits. If I am not taking care of myself, how can I show up and be supportive of my partner? It's obvious, and easier said then done.
3. Have patience in holding space.
Taking into account the generalization of cultural conditioning in expressing vulnerability; many men need time and space to release their feelings. I have to be willing to sit in the vacuum patiently without filling it with all my own insecurities. We are not 'connecting' when I am vomiting my feelings into the emptiness so I am more comfortable. The action is non-reaction, allowing a silent pause, and creating intention around Listening.
I understand these steps intellectually, now I must put them into practice. The next time I sense my partner has concerns weighing on his mind, I want to breathe into the moment with him, and not rush to fill it with my anxious perception about what I think he might be thinking. I want to cherish his company within challenging circumstances and wordlessly tell him to take the time and space he needs. I can hold a secure space when he needs me to in the form of receptive silence.
For the first time in my life, I have two people I want to to do the work for. Myself, and my courageous partner.
