Monday, June 6, 2011

Big Fish Potential

Tonight was my last night of yoga teacher training, and like so many things in my life, I was not at all the way I envisioned I would be in the 'defining' moment.  Months ago I would have seen myself serene, triumphant, basking in the glow of praise and affirmations of how brilliant of a yoga teacher I will be. Flash to reality, I am sitting amongst a group of amazingly non-judgemental talented yoga peers, crying my eyes out and realizing how naive I have been in thinking I was somehow 'better' or great.
    Note to self: the biggest talkers often do not back up their claims. In the future DO NOT fall into that category. Quiet confidence is a difficult and impressive quality to embody. The quiet part presents a challenge for me. I am ready to tackle it. Embarrassment is a hard pill to swallow and like most scenarios in my life, the abject humiliation was mostly in my head, but no less acute for that fact. I was so sure I would excel and be the 'top of my class' and in the final moments of the training I fell into bad habits. Lack of discipline and procrastination are cute in college, they are not cute when you are 29, they are self-sabatoging. I am at the stage in my life when I am realizing in a very real way what is and is not working in my life. There is no one else to blame.....everything is a choice.
       Telling the world your parents fucked you up works when you are a teenager, when you are an adult it is your choice to work on yourself and define how much you want your 'nurture' to effect you. Change is in your hands...you just have to have a) awareness of your issues b) balls to decide to change them c) actually put in the work to shift yourself out of the issues.
     I have come to the conclusion that c) is my Achilles heel. As I was driving home in my car, I was having flashbacks of my mother. She was never satisfied with my ability to make A's and B's without even trying. She would always say 'God, if you even tried and put any work in, do you know how well you would do?' I always thought, 'Geez, get off my back, I am doing better than 75% of my peers, give me a break.' But now I get it. I understand in the way only a grown-up perspective can give lightning flashes of real perspective. My mother wasn't trying to say she needed more from me, she was trying to teach me discipline. She somehow knew that if I became comfortable skating along with minimal effort on my god (or genetically) given 'above average' intelligence and talents, one day I would realize that only hard work and practice can actually take you to the next level. In a big pond...the big fish is the one who takes talent and intelligence and combines it with diligent practice. The big fish refines 'above average' intelligence and talent into greatness with hours of sweat and tears.
    I am in a big pond. Los Angeles is full of amazingly talented and hard working people, and I am an itty-bitty fish. Maybe not even a fish, maybe I am still algae. Humbling, this perspective. Being faced with your own mediocrity is always humbling. And the whole 'potential' statement. Now this is a topic unto itself. People have been telling me I have so much 'potential' for much of my life. I have a good friend who has a friend who is an actor. This 'actor' friend recently booked a reoccurring role on True Blood and turned into an overnight sensation. He met up with my friend for coffee and his comment was "No one is telling me I have potential now." It is clear, when you are living your potential, no one comments on the fact that you have it, it is just obvious.
        Living this potential is precisely what I am striving for. Now I just need to dig deep down into the dregs of my personality to find that boring and utterly success-making quality called discipline.....and his sister diligence. The three of us would make for a very profitable and successful team. Time to stop hearing about my potential and to start living it.